I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
