When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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