we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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