i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
