I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I got inside last night via doggy door
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
