Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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