i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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