somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
