So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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