you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
