I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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