sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
This is the high leading the old right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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