I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
