Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
