My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
