Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
