I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
