I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
