This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
