3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
