My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
