Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I can text with my tongue
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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