I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
