The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
