im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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