I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
The ass gains better be worth it
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