there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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