i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
