Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
