There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
