we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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