flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
