one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
