I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
