why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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