Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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