where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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