I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My balls are so social today.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
