I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
we're so committed to being not committed
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
