Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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