I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
