I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
