What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
