you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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