woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm bleeding and have questions
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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