I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
