I haven't been this sober since birth.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
