You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
