Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
