I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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