He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
