It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
